You Remind Me of a Girl That I Once Knew

This week I realized one of my old goals. To be an usher, nay, a head usher at stake conference. The prestige, the power, the respect, and, above all else, the usher badge. I remember thinking as a boy, that only the select best must be chosen after rigorous testing. Oh how I dreamed to be ranked among the tall sentinels that stood watch over the important proceedings. It was they who kept order.
I realize now that those dreams, as most of my other childhood dreams, were erroneous. Being an usher usually depends on whether or not you showed up 10:00 minutes early. I was designated an usher thusly.
Weird Guy: Hey do you wanna be an usher?
Me: Me? o.k.
It then became my job to be in charge of the "upper deck." This meant that I had to sit as far away as possible from the speaker.
The weird guy told me that it was "my show" up there and that I needed to take care of everything. I think I got way too into it. I was handing out hymn books and telling people to please be quiet, at one point I asked some people to leave (not really). I really wanted to go talk to people afterwards but I knew that a good usher never leaves his post. Instead, I made sure that all of the chairs were put away and picked up every piece of trash.
It was as i was putting a pen in a location where someone could easily locate if they came back that I realized that being an usher sucked. Ushers are usually guys that aren't married but are still young enough to stand for an entire meeting. Looking back, all of the guys I ever saw usher any stake conference were weird. As I left the conference alone, I made a vow: I will never again be an usher... unless they let me keep the badge.